The Window She Now See

His Love I Held For Her: Part Four

What if the void was never about who left the room — it's about who left you first?

It happened on an ordinary Thursday, which felt insulting, honestly — I'd expected my epiphany to come with better adaptation.

I was finally cleaning out the rest of my boxes and found my old sketchbook. Untouched in six years, the last drawing was half-finished mid-line, like the pencil was too damn heavy to carry on. I sat on the floor with it for a long time, letting my thoughts run wild.

I thought about all the little quirky things I was into and how my hobbies used to mold me. The friend group I'd let go quietly because Marcus preferred nights in. The painting classes I'd dropped because we didn't do that anymore. The version of myself who used to talk for hours about ideas, used to take up space in a conversation instead of just holding it open for someone else to fill.

It sure isn’t him I’ve been missing, I thought, almost laughing, almost crying. It's me, always been me.

Because I hadn't only lost Marcus in that kitchen; I had lost me years before this asshole decided to be truthful. I’ve been existing inside that relationship, not living, and damn sure not thriving. I had mistaken his presence for my own. I can’t believe I fucking let a piece of myself go every year I chose to love him. Oh yes, then this bitch walks out for her. I spent six years giving up on me just to be a damn placeholder for another woman. FUCK! The wall I'd been building for two months didn't fall, exactly. I finally remembered who the fuck I am without us.

Later, I called Paris to apologize and to ask her to dinner. Reluctantly, she agreed. Pulling up to our reservation at Blue Orchid Lounge, I saw Paris sitting at the bar. “Hey, Paris.” She nodded and handed me the menu. “I just want to apologize for snapping at you during my heartbreak. I shouldn’t have come at you like that.” My eyes widened, waiting for her scolding; she didn’t. “You look a lot better, Luna. It seems you now know the answer to the question I asked.” I smiled. “Yes, I didn’t want to be alone in my own presence. I had forgotten who I was and what I was capable of. I changed so much of myself to be everything Marcus wanted and needed. I kept choosing him over me to the point of just existing. Paris, I’m back and ready for the journey of loving and choosing myself.” We hugged and laughed. We had a few drinks and ended the night on a great note for both of us.